Monday, December 28, 2009

2009 is going to end. Will I?

2009.

It has been a year of a lot of ups and downs and at 43 years old, a few new discoveries for myself.

I had the epiphany of "My God, in 7 years, I will be 50" a few months back. That was kind of scary as I was drinking my morning coffee - don't tell my doctor that I still sneak a cup or two. To realize that yes, time is advancing and the days ahead are growing shorter than the ones behind, can be a haunting event.

2009 saw me feeling like I was 20 again. Renewed sense of self, of life and that is worth so much more to me than anything else that has happened this year. My faith, my past, my future are all one congealed ball and I am wrapped in the middle of it, going a thousand miles per hour. (Anyone who knew me when I was 20 is probably shaking their heads)

I reached out to old friends, as like the Grinch, my heart grew a little larger that day. To reach out and say hello after twenty years did cause me some trepidation after all, we never really said good bye.

My family has been amazing to me and for me this year. I cannot put into words what they have meant to me through the years and my wife and I are closing in on 20 years, 10 of which have been married. (Once again, people that knew me from before are shaking their heads, finding it impossible that I have a mortgage, three kids, a dog, cat, fish etc...a "normal" life)

But the wonderful thing is that is it not normal and it will never be normal. I am and always will be the dark poet, the brooder. I will be the one to make you laugh, to think. I will hopefully inspire you to reach for the stars and be great with no regrets. Hopefully you will walk in victory, knowing that the past is the past and it can no longer harm you.

Great memories and more to come.

To qoute Love and Rockets:

My head is full of magic,baby
And I can't share this with you.
The feel I'm on a cross again, lately,
But there's nothing to do with you.

I'm alive, so alive.
I'm alive, so alive.

Your strut makes me crazy,
makes me see you more clearly.
Oh, baby I can see you.
Wish I could stop,
Switch off the clock

Make it all happen for you.

I'm alive, so alive.
I'm alive, so alive.

My head is full of magic, baby,
And I can't share this with you.
The feel I'm on top again, baby,
That's got everything to do with you.

I'm alive, so alive.
I'm alive, so alive.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Happiness is found in a cold Danish

Creeping along the vines and twines. Eating a cold cinnamon bun and realizing how high I have become. How the dark clouds have left and there is only sun.

Snow is melting rapidly, my pre-Christmas present I think. Answered prayer. Touching into the past, so cathartic, soothing balm for my battered self.

Loving, living and remembering. I am being moved into a wind that is strong and where it sends me, I no longer care as it spells freedom. Freedom. Is there any better word, other than perhaps, servant?

I look at her and smile. My earthbound happiness. I look at them and I smile and I learn how to love a little more each day. There can be no doubt or confusion but the highway is brightly marked and I see tomorrow today.

The threads of humanity, linking and weaving us all together tightly.

Get on the bus and lets go. Universal plan for the universal man.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The snow is here and it is staying.

We have had almost a foot of snow in 2 days and I was so hoping that it wouldn't catch up to us until Christmas Eve.

Good news though is at Copenhagen, the hypocrites that drove their corporate jets to protest global warming are undergoing a blizzard. God has such a wonderful sense of irony.

It was like I was telling my friend, Lou Ferrigno the other day that pasta shells are not the same as sea shells. He wouldn't listen but kept on trying to stab them with his fork. He's so crass but nowhere near as bad as Fellini.

I placed a call to Superman this morning but all I got was a long time of ringing and then a really lame leave your message type of recording. He didn't even have Jimmy Olsen do it. Sounded like some guy from India or somewhere.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My God

My God is an awesome God.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

What's your purpose?

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel that you are spinning nothing but your wheels? Not getting anywhere?

Are you are part of the herd or a part from it?

I just felt like saying hello today. Are you awake?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Sure it's cold, but it ain't Saskatoon!

I love it when I feel reminiscent for the Prairies and then I check the weather.

Dec 12th today and they are forecasting temperatures today of -50 Celsius which is like -58 F. Now I don't know about you, but to me, that is a little darned too cold. -50 C!! Not only is that ridiculous and that anyone would choose to continue living in that environment, but it also erases any remaining vestiges of nostalgia that I may have- at least until the spring.

Stare into the sun and relive the memory of warmth.

Stay tuned.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Woman, 98, indicted in roommate’s death - World - Canoe.ca

Woman, 98, indicted in roommate’s death - World - Canoe.ca

I think that it was the teddy bear she is sitting with.

Saskatoon memories aka, Was I even sober in the 80's? II

Who here remembers sitting in Paulie's basement watching Highlander over and over? How many times for Blade Runner? The Hunger?

Cold Saskatoon nights, driving around in a darkened van making Pop Tart dust. EverClear rainbows by the ounce, never mind the gallon mix that they suggest. AC/DC playing loudly, me being led home because I was to drunk to see. And my combats were untied.

Flash forward to Plaza Of Nations. My special love telling everyone that it was her birthday and she brought me trays of beer. Sweet beer! Such nectar. I drowned in the amber, the cold highway that I had known all of my life.

Did I tell her that I loved her? Did I tell any of them that I loved them? I could only let them love me as much as I would allow, not as much as they could. Insufferable, intolerable.

My group of comrades, my friends. Paulie, Christa, Mike and Ian. Crazy days and the nights were worse. We took Dionysian mercurial, earthly delights to new levels. We partied, we lived and we partied some more.

Knives of the Stove, I christen thee Sir Hash!

Turmoil and turmoil. No peace. No rest.

Time slows down as I grow older. Faster.

Each day I wake up I realize that I am dying.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

You know its true

I am, I am, I am superman
And I know what's happening.
I am, I am, I am superman
And I can do anything.

You don't really love that guy you make it with now do you?
I know you don't love that guy 'cause I can see right through you.

I am, I am, I am superman
And I know what's happening.
I am, I am, I am superman
And I can do anything.

~REM

Is.49:15-18

Sometimes you have to wake up pretty early to hear.


Isa 49:15 " Can a woman forget her nursing child, And not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, Yet I will not forget you.

Isa 49:16 See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me.

Isa 49:17 Your sons shall make haste; Your destroyers and those who laid you waste Shall go away from you.

Isa 49:18 Lift up your eyes, look around and see; All these gather together and come to you. As I live," says the LORD, "You shall surely clothe yourselves with them all as an ornament, And bind them on you as a bride does.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Saskatoon memories aka, Was I even sober in the 80's?

Have you ever been lost in time?

I mean more than simple nostalgia, but to be locked in a refreshing, replaying history? That is my life now, confounded by dreams focused on a specific time (7:30 am to be exact).

Time stuck in the 80's, outside, inside Tramps Arcade in a prairie town. Punk rockers and natives, arguing, warring. made no sense really, but that is what we were.

Doing drugs, drinking 5 Star and Yukon Jack. Sometimes a bottle of Jack. I was in love and I was on top of the world. James Cagney all over again with the smoking machine gun, going down in a flame. Going down with the setting sun.

My friends, now long gone, except for Mike. My friends who saw me live and then see me die.

No regrets and there is no remorse, but sometimes, just sometimes....

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

"This hurts me more than it will hurt you"

A new tactic and it make one laugh to the extremes these nuts will go to.

Al Qaeda has developed a new tactic that allows suicide bombers to breach even the tightest security, as CBS News correspondent Sheila MacVicar reports.

Inside a Saudi palace, the scene was the bloody aftermath of an al Qaeda attack in August aimed at killing Prince Mohammed Bin Nayef, head of Saudi Arabia's counter terrorism operations.

To get his bomb into this room, Abdullah Asieri, one of Saudi Arabia's most wanted men, avoided detection by two sets of airport security including metal detectors and palace security. He spent 30 hours in the close company of the prince's own secret service agents - all without anyone suspecting a thing.

How did he do it?

Taking a trick from the narcotics trade - which has long smuggled drugs in body cavities - Asieri had a pound of high explosives, plus a detonator inserted in his rectum.
TO CONTINUE

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Haunted Love



Dealing with real human emotives now. Words swirl in my (heart?), my (soul?)...what is happening to me, to us?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Little collectives

Have you ever searched Facebook groups? There are groups for everything and for everyone.

It is nice being a part of a group, it is what makes us like little ants, so busy socializing that we don't spend a lot of quality one on one time, reflecting on the world around us. Under these circumstances, we are conditioning ourselves and others to be reactive and not proactive. Every time someone updates their page, do you have an email sent to you so you can read and react?

For some, it is the only way that they know how to touch the world gently. For others, it is a place to hide behind a username and rage against the meek. There are groups that aspire to touch the soul of humanity, groups for the inane and insane. Blogs of poets and broken dreams and blogs that give you the colorful truth like peopleofwalmart.com

I would still like to see Bonnie Franklin in something new. How about Greg Evigan?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Whatever happened to...?



We are a TV generation that treated TV personalities almost like family. Each week, we would invite them into our homes, usually over dinner and then one day, they are gone.

They never call, or write. Sometimes if we are lucky, we catch them on re-runs on late night television, or maybe see them in something new. But where are Oscar and Felix? Dick Petrie? Where is Hawkeye in this tumultuous world? I bet he would have warm words of comfort for us all.

Like family, we tend to put a lot of faith into these characters, because want them to be real. We want them to be the people that never had in real life. Remember Donna Reed? Dads listened to their sons about the Little League game and Mrs Brady always listened to Jan...

As a unit of one, it is terrifying to be alone even when we really aren't.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Monday, September 14, 2009

Darry is dead.

It is a sad world, when a classy actor, like Patrick Swayze dies from pancreatic cancer and guys like Kanye West keep on going, making money, degrading society.

I just read about Swayze's death and got to thinking about West's big moment last night when on the VMA awards, he jumped on the stage and took away a young woman's moment in the sun. Real classy there Kanye! You're a heart breaker and going to go far...

"Now I ain't saying that he is a gold digger, but he never has hung around with any white niggaz.
Bill Cosby come on, come on.
Bill Cosby come on, Bill Cosby come on."

And what's this other big news? Bobby Brown spit in Whitney's face. Oh my Lordy!

Maybe what we need is Patrick Swayze's Sam Wheat character to come back with a can of whup ass.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Ripoffed By Archie



With all of the creative talent that exists in the world, you would think that someone would come up with a better idea than a dream sequence, or out of time sequence when the event was publicized beyond belief.

Yes, I am talking about Archie proposing to Veronica. This event was tallied as the biggest news story of the year. Archie was finally going to choose between Betty and Veronica, choosing the latter.

People were up in arms. One collector swore to sell off his entire collection! Archie Comics remained tight lipped as the blogoshpere went into a rumor frenzy.

My idea was that it would be a dream sequence. People laughed in scorned. "No way" they said. "This is real", they said. I was wrong about the dream sequence, but Archie going for a walk and then having a Twilight Zone experience does not constitute reality. I should know as I have had plenty of those "Twilight Zone" experiences.

What have we learned from this debacle? Don't trust the media machine. They lie.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Truth in packaging

Yum. Gotta get me some. My kids love this stuff and sadly, at times, so do I. But let's be honest that it really isn't the best thing that you can be eating for lunch. What exactly is "enriched pasta (from wheat)"?

It's like going to McDonald's everyday and then wondering why you aren't feeling good. We are deluging ourselves with modified this and enriched that. Sooner or later our bodies will reject all of this modified crap and we will see hordes of people eating dirt, to get the nutrition that they really need.

Grow a garden. Raise your own meat if you can. Where I live, there is a back-world city council (rural community) that won't allow us to raise chickens in our back yards.(See this blog for more info) Council does however spend a ton of money for "branding" the city logo and creating a new slogan!

Make the changes that will create the impetus.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Sanity's insanity

It has been a long time coming.

At the precipice of Judgment, wondering when it will finally happen. Daw Aung San Suu Kyi was given an additional 18 months added to her sentence because, wait for it... for "sheltering" an unwelcome American visitor? Was it Obama? Biden? Maybe old George W dropped by for some tea.

I know it wasn't Stephen Harper as he is busy writing a book about hockey in Canada. What would Don Cherry do?

The more Islam promotes itself as a religion of peace, the more it shows itself to be anything but a peaceful belief system. Obey or die. March or die. Believe or die. I'd like another helping of the strawberry jihad please, hold the infidels.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Twisted dreams and apple fizz.

I often wonder, sometimes out loud as to what this world is coming to.

This greeted me eyes this morning and I have to share it with you.

"Kitty porn? Man blames cat for illegal images
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS



JENSEN BEACH, Florida - Florida investigators say a man accused of downloading child pornography is blaming his cat.

Keith Griffin is charged with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found more than 1,000 images on his home computer.

According to a sheriff's report Friday, Griffin told investigators that his cat jumped on the computer keyboard while he was downloading music. He said he had left the room and found "strange things" on his computer when he returned.

Griffin is being held on $250,000 bond in the Martin County jail. It is unclear if he has an attorney. "

And no one takes this guy out back and shoots him?

One cannot help but to a: grow very cynical and jaded or

b: trust in a God that will deal with people like this.

We do fall short of the Glory, that is why I turn to the Cross. One could say that sin is sin is sin. Meaning that murder is the same as cheating on your taxes.

What is the difference and most non-Christians don't understand, is the idea of repentance. Sin is sin, and there are consequences for it. But, when I lay my sin down at the Cross and turn away from it, that is where it stays.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Crazy. Raindrops on an empty heart.

George Sodini
Age 48.
DOB 9/30/1960
DOD 8/4/2009
5-10, 155 lbs.
Never married.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania USA
Me


Why do this?? To young girls? Just read below. I kept a running log that includes my thoughts and actions, after I saw this project was going to drag on.

November 5, 2008:
Planned to do this in the summer but figure to stick around to see the election outcome. This particular one got so much attention and I was just curious. Not like I give a flying fcuk who won, since this exit plan was already planned. Good luck to Obama! He will be successful. The liberal media LOVES him. Amerika has chosen The Black Man. Good! In light of this I got ideas outside of Obama's plans for the economy and such. Here it is: Every black man should get a young white girl hoe to hone up on. Kinda a reverse indentured servitude thing. Long ago, many a older white male landowner had a young Negro wench girl for his desires. Bout' time tables are turned on that shit. Besides, dem young white hoez dig da bruthrs! LOL. More so than they dig the white dudes! Every daddy know when he sends his little girl to college, she be bangin a bruthr real good. I saw it. "Not my little girl", daddy says! (Yeah right!!) Black dudes have thier choice of best white hoez. You do the math, there are enough young white so all the brothers can each have one for 3 or 6 months or so.

December 22, 2008:
Time is moving along. Planned to have this done already. I will just keep a running log here as time passes. Many of the young girls here look so beautiful as to not be human, very edible. After joining this gym, started lifting weights and like it. Much info about weight programs, diet etc on the web. Or anything for that matter. Instead of TV I can Google for hours to relax. TV and most movies are dull.

December 24, 2008:
Moving into Christmas again. No girlfriend since 1984, last Christmas with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why. I am not ugly or too weird. No sex since July 1990 either (I was 29). No shit! Over eighteen years ago. And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things. Isolated. I have extra money and enjoy traveling, too, wtih my 25-30 days of vacation. LA was the best! But going alone is not too fun. Invited to a party on Christmas day tomorrow. Seems about 15-25 people will actually show. I like her parties; I can meet new people and talk. Got the next 8 days off. I should have exit plan done and practiced by then. I know nothing will change, no matter how hard I try or what goals I set.

December 28, 2008:
Glad I stayed around. All these days off are great. I will shoot for Tuesday, January 6, 2009, at maybe 8:15. I have list of to-do items to make.

December 29, 2008:
Just got back from tanning, been doing this for a while. No gym today, my elbow is sore again. I actually look good. I dress good, am clean-shaven, bathe, touch of cologne - yet 30 million women rejected me - over an 18 or 25-year period. That is how I see it. Thirty million is my rough guesstimate of how many desirable single women there are. A man needs a woman for confidence. He gets a boost on the job, career, with other men, and everywhere else when he knows inside he has someone to spend the night with and who is also a friend. This type of life I see is a closed world with me specifically and totally excluded. Every other guy does this successfully to a degree. Flying solo for many years is a destroyer. Yet many people say I am easy to get along with, etc. Looking back, I owe nothing to desirable females who ask for anything, except for basic courtesy - usually. Looking back over everything, what bothers me most is the inability to work towards whatever change I choose.

December 30, 2008:
While driving I radio surfed to a talk show. The caller was a 30ish black man who was describing the despair in certain black communities. According to him, life is cheap there because you are going to die anyway when you get old. It is the quality of life that is important, he said. If you know the past 40 years were crappy, why live another 30 crappy years then die? His point was they engage in dangerous behavior which tends to shorten the lifespans, to die now and avoid the next 30 crappy years, using my example. The host got sarcastic and ended the call instead of trying understanding his point. Agreement wasn't necesary. I put music back on. But it was an interesting, and useful point for me to hear.

December 31, 2008:
My anger and rage is largely gone since I began lifting weights. Lifting drains me but I still have energy. Somebody else suggested running but that did not help me. I guess strenuous exercise is necesary for a man. So I just learned that now at 48. Maybe 30 years later than I would have liked. My dad never (not once) talked to me or asked about my life's details and tell me what he knew. He was just a useless sperm doner. Don't know why, find it fun talking to young kids when I visit someone. Brother was actually counter-productive and would try to embarase me or discourage my efferts when persuing things, esp girls early on (teen years). Useless bully. Result is I am learning basics by trial and error in my 40s, followed by discuragement. Seems odd, but thats true. Writing all this is helping me justify my plan and to see the futility of continuing. Too embarassed to tell anyone this, at almost 50 one is expected to just know these things.
I hope it doesn't snow on Tuesday. Just thought of that. The crowd will be thin so I would postpone. Shit!

Now that I am on the topic of family and people I know, I might as well make a summary of sorts to show where things stand. This is New Years Eve I have time, no date tonight of course, so:

Honorable mention:

Tetelestai Church in Pittsburgh, PA - "Be Ye Holy, even as I have been Ye holy! Thus saith the lord thy God!", as pastor Rick Knapp would proclaim. Holy shit, religion is a waste. But this guy teaches (and convinced me) you can commit mass murder then still go to heaven. Ask him. Call him at (724) 325-2655. If no answer there, he should still live at 439 9th Street, Oakmont, PA 15139. In any case, guilt and fear kept me there 13 long years until Nov 2006. I think his crap did the most damage. Their web site: http://www.tetelestai.org.

Mum - The Central Boss. 717 Highview Road, Pgh PA 15234. Don't piss her off or she will be mad and vindictive for years. She actually thinks she's normal. Very dominant. Her way and only her way with no flexibility toward everyone in the household. A power and control thing. People outside the immediate family like her. Why are people vicious with their closest ones? She is the Boss above all other Bosses.

Michael Sodini - A Boss, my brother (Mike Sodini) 216 Horseshoe Dr, Mars PA - Always the big bully, twice the size of most others. When he bullied or harassed someone, it was the other person who "deserved it". It was always about him. Way to self absorbed, too. Still is. Used to like to embarrass guys in front of their girlfriends. Lots of other shit. Kind of guy you actually loved to hate. The biggest, most self-centered jagoff I know. He took those bullying "skills" into the business world and is doing good financially. He is a big wheel only in his mind. Most people can see thru all his manipulation. He calls only when he wants something.

Sherry - sister - More of a victim than anything. Copes by exercising much control over her adult children. We used to be close until her control of L & D caused a conflict. Never the same after.

David - neph, sis's son (girlfriend Mallory Squires). Good young guy, though.

Lisa - niece, sis's daught. Attractive, smart, emotional - all good YW qualities.


Idiots:

Andy Pulkowski - I have been in barrooms and church groups. The worst people by far are the religious types. Especially a right-wing, stiff-faced fundie like Andy. A condescending, demeaning, passive-aggresive person. Frigid, rigid, linear and totally inflexible. Being a very serious person, he cannot hide his frown-lined face. He better not try to smile; lest his face might crack. I knew children of parents who grew up in strict religious homes. Religion has a certain stink to it of guilt, shame, fear, and that moral standard that always contradicts the natural tendencies and desires of a person. Therin lies the conflict. Young person cannot experiment with things to decide on their own and establish their own parameters. So they tend to cut loose and really rebel much worse than the average young person. Ma and Pa never know what goes on. They easily BS their parents because they want to believe their little one is an angel. Andy has a young daughter Bethany Pulkowski away at college, High Point University. I saw her picture on his desk. She's your basic, attractive, young girl. Please reread my entry made on Nov 5th. That's only one thing she can do. You Andy types out there need to further strengthen your strict resolve and do more of the same thing! Because those girls were great when I recall my college years! She is someone's (or many guy's) little hoe now, I am sure.

Another point about andy. How can someone be cold, vicious, sarcastic and generally nasty ALL THE TIME and then make the claim about their church life and how good they are? Total hypocritical idiots.

That's all for now. That felt good.

Let's continue...

January 5, 2009:
Was at the gym to lift. Very crowded. Tomorrow should be good. There is a woman there that gives me a certain look every time I am there. I decided to walk over and make a comment about the crowds but she left when I finished the exercise. Better that I do not get sidetracked from tomorrow's plan anyways. Life is just playing games. One or two dates with her, then the end. No matter how many changes I try to make, things stay the same. Every evening I am alone, and then go to bed alone. Young women were brutal when I was younger, now they aren't as much, probably because they just see me just as another old man.
I see twenty something couples everywhere. I see a twenty something guy with a nice twentyish young women. I think those years slipped right by for me. Why should I continue another 20+ years alone? I will just work, come home, eat, maybe do something, then go to bed (alone) for the next day of the same thing. This is the Auschwitz Syndrome, to be in serious pain so long one thinks it is normal. I cannot wait for tomorrow!

January 6, 2009:
I can do this. Leaving work today, I felt like a zombie - just going thru the motions. Get on the bus, get the car, drive home.....My mind is screwed up anymore, I can't concentrate at work or think at all.
This log is not detailed. It is only for confidence to do this. The future holds even less than what I have today.
It is 6:40pm, about hour and a half to go. God have mercy. I wish life could be better for all and the crazy world can somehow run smoother. I wish I had answers. Bye.

It is 8:45PM: I chickened out! Shit! I brought the loaded guns, everything. Hell!

April 24, 2009:
Early last month, we had our second general layoff. I survived. First one was in November. When I began 10 years ago, that used to be a nice place to work. I understand the need to reduce staff when times sour, but this is out of proportion to the economic problems at this time. The economy is shrinking by about 4-5%. They decided not to pay Christmas bonus - for staff that amounts to about 8% of yearly pay. Well, OK. Plus no yearly "merit" raise, another 3.5%. That totals to about 11% cut. Plus two layoffs of 5% staff in each case. Do the math. I know this firm is using this downturn as an excuse to take advanage of a bad situation and kill jobs UNNECESSARILY. The second layoff people who actually did work were let go. We all need to pick up the slack so the company can cut beyond what is necesary. Wasn't going to mention it, because of all this shit, it is K&L Gates, the large law firm headquartered here in Pittsburgh. Just call it K&L Gates Corporation. Most people there are OK and I would never have a shoot 'em up there. They paid me for 10 years, so far!

I predict I won't survive the next layoff. That is when there is no point to continue. RIght now, life is bearable and I can get by indefinitely. Something bad must happen. The paycheck is all I have left. The future holds nothing for me. Twenty five years of nothing fun. I never even spent one weekend with a girl in my life, even at my own place. Also unlikely to find another similar job. I guess then is when I take care of things. I don't have kids, close friends or anything. Just me here. If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.

I enjoy writing these entries, I have no plans to go back and edit or even read most stuff already written. If you get bored, just click that "x" at the top, right corner of your browser. Bye.

May 4, 2009:
I was so eager to do this last year. The big problem on my mind now is that my job will end soon. One project is being transistioned to another. The other one I am solely responsible, but is being fast tracked to production. I estimate maybe a month. I am not ready for the job market. I am ok what I do, a .NET software developer. Not at the top of the class, but I do a good job. I survived two general layoffs and other little layoffs they are having but keeping quiet about. I hear things.

The problem is I feel too good now to do this but too bad to enjoy life. I know I will never enjoy life. This is an over 30 year trend. Some people are happy, some are miserable. It is difficult to live almost continuously feeling an undercurrent of fear, worry, discontentment and helplessness. I can talk and joke around and sound happy but under it all is something different that seems unchangable and a permanent part of my being. I need to realize the details of what I never accomplished in life and to be convinced the future is merely a continuation of the past - WHICH IT ALWAYS has been. I am making a list of items that will provide motivation to do the exit plan, it won't be published. I always had hope that maybe things will improve especially if I make big attempts to change my life. I made many big changes in the past two years but everything is still the same. Life is over. Even though I look good, dress well, well groomed - nails, teeth, hair, etc. Who knows.

What is it like to be dead? I always think I am forgetting something, that's one reason I postponed. Similar to when you leave to get in your car to go somewhere - you hesitate with a thought: "what am I forgetting?". In this case, I cannot make a return trip!

I like to write and talk. Ironic because I haven't met anybody recently (past 30 years) who I want to be close friends with OR who want to be close friends with me. I was always open to suggestions to what I am doing wrong, no brother or father (mine are useless) or close friend to nudge me and give it bluntly yet tactfully wtf I am doing wrong. A personal coach or someone who knows what he is doing would be perfect. Money is highly secondary for a solution.

May 5, 2009:
To pull the exit plan off, it popped into my mind to just use some booze. I want to do this before I get laid off, for reasons not worth mentioning but don't seem to have the balls. After the gym, I stopped at Shop N Save and got a fifth of vodka and a small bottle of Jack Daniels. I haven't had a drink since September 1, 1988, just over 20 years. It doesn't matter now, I need to use it to take the edge off of carrying out the exit plan. I will be taking some every now and then to get used to it and see if the alcohol effects will embolden me. Weed would be fun to try again. I don't know who has any. Life is over, who cares? I just need to use common sense, can't drink and drive, etc. This idea just hit me at a point in time and I immediately acted on it. Same thing happened when I decided to go back to Pitt full time, first day was Monday, May 8, 1989, and to buy the house that closed on Friday, September 30, 1996, to name two examples I remember so well.

The list idea yesterday is working. I carry it in my wallet and add to it. I am feeling to good to do carry this out, but too bad to enjoy ANYTHING. My life's dilema.

May 6, 2009:
I started the JD. About one ounce with some tea to get me started. No big deal.

May 7, 2009:
Went to the gym and did mostly cardio. My heart rate was 117 just from walking on the treadmill at 3.4. This should be done a few times a week for maybe 15 mins or so to keep the heart active. I sprinted a few times to push the limits.

May 18, 2009:
I actually had a date today. It was with a woman I met on the bus in March. We got together at Two PPG Place for lunch. The last date for me was May 1, 2008. Women just don't like me. There are 30 million desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one. Not one of them finds me attractive. I am looking at The List I made from my May 4th idea. I forgot about that for several days. That tells me where I stand. These problems have gotten worse over a 30 year period. I need to expect nothing from me or other people. All through the years I thought we had the ability to change ourselves - I guess that is incorrect. Looking at The List makes me realize how TOTALLY ALONE, a deeper word is ISOLATED, I am from all else.
I no longer have any expectations of myself. I have no options because I cannot work toward and achieve even the smallest goals. That is, ABOVE ALL, what bothers me the most. Not to be able to work towards what I want in my life. I believe I am deserve that. I read recently it is called "self efficacy", but who knows. Is that more psychobable?

May 25, 2009:
I was invited to a picnic, and I went. An older woman there, out of the blue, asked if I liked high school. Then quickly asked if I was picked on very much. Intersting why she would ask that. But, thanks, I already know what the problem is, but a solution eludes me.

May 29, 2009:
Another lonely Friday night, I'm done. This is too much.

June 2, 2009:
Some people I was talking with believed I date a lot and get around with women. They think this because I showed an email I got from a hot woman to the department gossip, but it didn't work out. All this is funny. Actually, I haven't had sex since I was 29 years old, 19 years ago. That's true.

June 5, 2009:
I was reading several posts on different forums and it seems many teenage girls have sex frequently. One 16 year old does it usually three times a day with her boyfriend. So, err, after a month of that, this little hoe has had more sex than ME in my LIFE, and I am 48. One more reason. Thanks for nada, bitches! Bye.

July 4, 2009:
Wow, already late evening. I stayed in all day. Can't believe there was NOTHING to do today. No parties or picnics. WTF. No need to leave now.

July 20, 2009:
Been a long time since last write. Everything still sucks. But I got a promotion and a raise, even in this shitty Obama ecomomy. No more grunt programming. Go figure! New boss is great. He tactfully says when you did something wrong or complements on good things. Never confused with him. But that is NOT what I want in life. I guess some of us were simply meant to walk a lonely path. I have slept alone for over 20 years. Last time I slept all night with a girlfriend it was 1982. Proof I am a total malfunction. Girls and women don't even give me a second look ANYWHERE. There is something BLATANTLY wrong with me that NO goddam person will tell me what it is. Every person just wants to be fucking nice and say nice things to me. Flattery. Oh yeah, I am sure you can get a date anytime. You look good, etc. Pussies.
Awwww, wait. I can just start being self-righteous and say I live a good, clean life. I am holy, that's all Rick Knapp stuff. Hear that you mother fucker: I Am Just Good!

July 23, 2009:

Wow!!

I just looked out my front window and saw a beautiful college-age girl leave Bob Fox's house, across the street. I guess he got a good lay today. College girls are hoez. I masturbate. Frequently. He is about 45 years old. She was a long haired, hot little hottie with a beautiful bod. I masturbate. Frequently. Some were simply meant to walk a lonely path in life. I don't usually look out, but just happened to notice. Holy fuck. I have masturbated since age 13. Thanks, mum and brother (by blood alone). And dad, old man, for TOTALLY ignoring me through the years. All of you DEEPLY helped me be this way.

I wish I can go back to 1975 and fix things. Awe, that wont work, big BULLY BROTHER would assert his bull shit. He was twice my size. He never messed with guys bigger than 5'10, or so. He is a PUSSY at heart. Remember, Michael is my brother (we have common parents, that's all) is still a BOSS. Repetition only for emphasis: HE IS ONLY A BULLY, even at 50ish! Never forget that! Because he exudes confidence. People believe bull shit if delivered WITH CONFIDENCE. Get it??

On the same thought, things occured to me today. Michael NEVER had an attractive girlfriend. Debbie, Barb, Kim, ... then I lost track. Not to say I had any (execpt Pam, who was about a 7.25). He married a Chinese-descent, petite woman with no body, no ass, no chest and no personality. She never laughs or smiles, neither does he. But she is highly intelligent and an excellent cook. I can testify to that! She home bakes her own DELICIOUS wheat bread! But who cares about that type of small bull crap? Mike even mentioned when we were visiting dad that "she's not very attractive".

I don't know where I am going with this. I am getting tired, feels good to write and get it all out.

On still another thought, I had 20+ years of sobriety and achieved nothing about friendships, girlfriends, guys, etc. Zilch. What a waste.

Bye, for today.

August 2, 2009:
The biggest problem of all is not having relationships or friends, but not being able to achieve and acquire what I desire in those or many other areas. Everthing stays the same regardless of the effert I put in. If I had control over my life then I would be happier. But for about the past 30 years, I have not

August 3, 2009:
I took off today, Monday, and tomorrow to practice my routine and make sure it is well polished. I need to work out every detail, there is only one shot. Also I need to be completely immersed into something before I can be successful. I haven't had a drink since Friday at about 2:30. Total effort needed. Tomorrow is the big day.

Unfortunately I talked to my neighbor today, who is very positive and upbeat. I need to remain focused and absorbed COMPLETELY. Last time I tried this, in January, I chickened out. Lets see how this new approach works.

Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. At least that is what I was told. Eternal life does NOT depend on works. If it did, we will all be in hell. Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged BY GOD for a sin when the penalty was ALREADY paid. People judge but that does not matter. I was reading the Bible and The Integrity of God beginning yesterday, because soon I will see them.

I will try not to add anymore entries because this computer clicking distracts me.

Also, any of the "Practice Papers" left on my coffee table I used or the notes in my gym bag can be published freely. I will not be embarased, because, well, I will be dead. Some people like to study that stuff. Maybe all this will shed insight on why some people just cannot make things happen in their life, which can potentially benefit others.




Miscellaneous:

1. Probably 99% of the people who know me well don't even think I was this crazy. Told by at least 100 girls/women over the years I was a "nice guy". Not kidding.

2. Lee Ann Valdiserri had my baby in early 1991. Haven't seen her since she was about four months into it. I knew her sister, Chris, from high school.

3. Net worth slightly more than $250K, (after all debt) as of end of 2008.

4. Death Lives!


© 2009 George Sodini
This should not be taken off the web. It is obviously my view and opinion.
Reproduce this as you wish, in its entirity.
**Copy this to usenet/newsgroups where my voice will speak forever!**
Don't modify it, you can correct my spelling errors, I used WordPad.
Unless the names are required legally to be blotted out, then fine. Thanks.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Sad day for news and baked beans



Obama may just lose the next election because of this ominous headline on today's Drudge Report:


Now I will be awake all night long.

Anything but that! If word gets out, the other 63 million people that voted for him will now vote for someone even more diabolical, even more sinister: Pelosi 2012! Al Franken!!

Well, this collective being says Nertz. You get what you vote for people and in this case is it a pot of baked beans and they are a boiling.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Rats and Jalepeno juice



It is the wonderful world of trailer park trash versus Mother Nature and this time, she won.

How hard is it to keep vermin out of a child's bedroom? How hard would it be to keep said vermin from eating said child's toes? SEE STORY

Of course, not to be out done, another fine couple living in a trailer in Louisiana allowed their baby to become a bigger snack. SEE STORY


Friday, July 17, 2009

Telephone blues

I hate it when people make you feel like a telemarketer...

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Lunar landing relived

I was 3 years old when Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon.

I remember, (as a three yr old) the living room of my grandparents house was filled with people watching the landing live on the TV. I may not have known what the term "awestruck" was at 3, but I definitely was awed by this great achievement.

Life, when you are younger goes from moment to moment, with a few concrete markers, like the lunar landing which helps us identify specific times that help to relate where we really were at a certain period in our life.

This was one of the ones that stood out. Sure, I watched the news with Vietnam, but nothing captivated my imagination like the lunar mission and now, I get a chance to relive the mission and stuff I missed during that mission as it happened 40 years ago.

Thanks to David Gilmour who pointed me to this site:

http://www.wechoosethemoon.org/#

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Global Warming Hoax

Is global warming a hoax?

Al Gore and a elite group of scientists want to prevent widespread panic. What if it was something bigger, worse than imagined. What if the earth was on a collision course...with the sun....


Bamboo shoots and other Teutonic dreams. Things are getting tenser since we have discovered the burrito wrapper.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

Susan Boyle

May God bless Susan Boyle.

On Larry King tonight, she ends with:

"She said she has no plans to get a makeover or alter her wardrobe -- "Why should I? Why should I change?" -- but did predict one big lifestyle change.

"I won't be lonely," she said. "I certainly won't be lonely anymore." "

I am happy that she is getting attention because to make a statement like that is quite sad. Because of her looks, she has probably lived in obscurity for the better part of her life which is unfair.
What an amazing voice and Piers Morgan nails it when he says that she has the voice of an angel.



Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Tuesday, March 24, 2009